Musings of a cigarette smoking man

Circular reasoning.

Circular reasoning.

A story of two people.

A story of two people.

Turn and face the strange: ch-ch-changes

Time may change me, but I can’t change time.

In just the last week, almost everything in my life changed in some way. I don’t have any clue what the future has in store for me… It might be good, it might be bad.

We’re just going to have to wait and see.

I am a firm believer that sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. And considering how bad things are now, the future is looking bright.

I wanna know what love is - Foreigner

Blasting this and singing my heart out

Nobody even follows me, so I’ll say what I want

Yesterday was awful.

But I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching this past week and especially this morning.

My life has no direction. I don’t really know what I want to do, I have no idea where I want to go, I basically have no purpose at this point. So I’ve made a decision:

I’m enlisting into the Air Force. Because it’s what I have to do.

I hate feeling like I wake up everyday with nothing keeping me here. Like if I died, who would miss me? I don’t feel that I’m making a difference in anybody’s life. I guess I just really feel the need to start living my own life and start making something of myself.

I’ve also been thinking about last night a lot. It’s all that’s been on my mind. I feel like I just need to be 100% honest with her and with myself. I’ve made a conscious effort to be more honest and open recently, but there are still things that I cover up. I guess I need to tell her what’s I’m really feeling instead of just saying what I know she wants to hear. She’ll either accept me or reject me. And even with the fear of rejection, I’m not going to hold back.

It’s go time.

My life starts today.

FUCK MY WHOLE EXISTENCE

I don’t know why I’m putting this on the internet. I would die if somebody read this. At the same time, I kinda like the idea of somebody discovering this. So why not take a chance.

Today was an absolutely terrible day. 

I had THE SHITTIEST day at work. My boss’ boss came in today and was telling me to do all this stuff I’ve never been taught how to do, and he got really pissed off at me. Fuck him. He’s a fat asshole. 

I just want to be happy. But I never seem to be. I always have to put on this mask of being carefree and upbeat, even though that’s not how I really am. I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate the choices I’ve made. I hate everything about me. I get depressed when I think about my life as a whole. It’s pretty fucking awful. There are some days where I just feel like dying.

I guess the cherry on top is this girl I’m in a “realtionship” with. We met on a stupid dating site (which we both admit is retarded) and we started hanging out and getting really close. Well now we’re in a relationship, I guess. She doesn’t know what she wants out of us, and it really really frutstrates me. One day things will be great, and the next day we’ll be fighting. I don’t think she realizes that she’s playing with my heart.

I don’t want to make the whole situation seem completley terrible. Because it isn’t. There are days where everything is perfect, and nothing hurt.

Yet there are other days where I want to break up with her because I know that it’s the best thing for me. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t know why.

But an inavoidable part of relationships is heartache. I know that as well as everyone else. But that doesn’t mean it sucks any less.

So yesterday she was telling me about how she was going to hang out with this guy from her screenwriting class. Which I will admit I got pretty jealous when I heard that, but I played it off as being cool. And it really isn’t a big deal.

But the way she talks about how great he is at writing really hurts. Because I know that she absolutely loves that about him. And to know that I will never ever be able to give her really sucks. I feel like a talentless, worthless, piece of shit. I can’t do anything cool. I have no redeeming talents.

So I was on the train this afternoon on the way to a hockey game, and we start texting. So I asked her about her “date”, and she was just like “Oh it’s not that big of a deal, I dont know why you’re worried.” And it really hurts to think about her basically going on a date with another guy. And if I confronted her about it, she would just say that it shouldn’t be a big deal because we aren’t in a serious relationship.

Are you fucking kidding me?

We go on dates, we’re physical with each other, I feel like we really connect on a lot of things, and I really care about her. But I’m so confused. There are days that we spend together where I feel like the happiest person on earth, and I’ll think that she feels the same way. But to be completely honest, I feel like our “relationship” is completely based on how she feels that day. If she wants to do something, then we will. And we’ll have an amazing day together. But if she’s pissed off because she doesn’t know what to do with her life, then she’ll be in a really bad mood and I feel like she kinda takes it out on me.

If we’re going to be together, I want her to be happy in being with me. I don’t want to feel like I’m just a convienent guy for her to use.

But at the same time, I like being used. Not in the negative way, of course, but I like the feeling I get when I buy her things. And I do special things for her. I like the way I feel when I go out of my way to make her happy. I’m just not sure she notices it.

I guess I need to stop putting other people’s happiness before my own. But I don’t want to. I gain happiness from making others happy. So to deny the thing that makes me happy, in order to make me happy, is a complete paradox. It’s the worst thing in the world.

I wish I wasn’t who I am. Why can’t I be someone esle?

All I want is for her to be happy being with me. And if she isn’t happy with me, then I guess it’s time for me to move on. I’m tired of pouring my heart out to her, when she doesn’t feel the same way about me. I just need to know that whatever I’m doing is making my significant other happy. And right now she’s my significant other… But unfortunately, I don’t think she thinks of me in the same terms.

Spencer, if you ever find this… You’ll probably think I’m a complete fucking creep who has no life. And that’s okay. But this is how I’m feeling right now, and I’m not ashamed of it at all.

-Alexander